i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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