cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
