I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
