I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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