break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
