We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
