i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
