My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
