I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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