my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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