Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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