He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
