Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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