I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
