Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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