I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
