The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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