How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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