she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
