I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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