That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
