4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
