I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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