After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
