cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
