If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
