no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
