They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
