forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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