You just made me feel so damn special
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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