You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
