I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
