So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
