Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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