im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
