Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
