I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it was like his penis was on wheels.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
