Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
