Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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