the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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