Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
