I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
