it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
