I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
