alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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