Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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