You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
