no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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