I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
