She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
