im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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